emotional sobriety and simultaneity
My Venus is in Pisces in my 6th house, meaning one of my major astro-karmic lessons is learning how to both keep the channel of divine creativity open, while knowing how and when to rein it all in.
Overall, I don’t believe in narrowing the scope of my personhood or creative output just for the sake of being an easier person to understand or categorize. Being unrecognizable / inconsistently legible is a part of my true nature as a trans queer person and that shows up in all that I do. I’m happily multi-disciplinary and apparently hard to pin down.
However, I do sometimes find myself in burnout zone as a result of my unchecked, rampant simultaneity. I think most people experience this type of burnout in many life categories, often in ways beyond our control. In this moment, I’m wrestling with my habit of pursuing 5-6 major creative projects at once and struggling to cope with self-imposed overwhelm and unmanageability. Right now I’m finishing a 23 track album, writing a book and a screenplay, running the webstore for my studio practice and divination decks, managing my creative coaching business, finishing a virtual residency, and trying to continue being a person with other interests and nutritional activities outside of work.
There’s a flavor of urgency and compulsion beneath the surface which carries note of workaholism at times. My classic recipe of ADHD exhaustion- being on the right meds to make a lot of shit happen, and therefore piling up too much shit at once.
I recognize that learning to rein it in and focus on one or two things at a time is part of my essential self care and emotional sobriety. A boundary is a loving gesture. I can theoretically do all the things I imagine, but I absolutely cannot do them all at once.
Venus is exalted in Pisces- they feel seen, fully alive, and are running on jet fuel. This manifests in me as oceanic love, being incredibly creative, and artistically prolific (to an overwhelming degree). To top it off, my Jupiter is in Libra and my north node is in Sagittarius. There are many gifts in this set up, no doubt. I never fear running out of ideas. I cherish this influence and I also suffer from its’ intensity. For the non astro-nerds out there, when left unattended, this combo basically translates to a runaway wagon of endless expansion and insatiability. I did not come with a fader or a set of brakes, I’ve had to learn to install both myself (and with the help of a lot of therapy and 12 step recovery).
After 2.5 years of sobriety, I am now starting to see a clearer picture of how my unmanageable tendencies are not medium specific. It requires a lot of surrender and humility for me to admit to myself when I’m doing too much and make choices about what needs to be put down for the moment.
This past week, that looked like releasing my attachment to perfection, accepting my limits, and allowing fomo. I spent the week with an amazing group of tender, brilliant humans at School of the Alternative. Every single day felt like 2 weeks of input and energy. I taught a class called Sound Playground, made some amazing new connections, felt embraced and loved and overwhelmed, I experienced the healing power of trans/queer community, I did my best, I am still trying to process all the magic and intensity of the experience, and am immediately pivoting to another major life event happening in two days.
Today, I’m traveling across the county for stage 2 of a major gender affirming surgery on May 27th and I’m currently trying to figure out how to ground back into my body. It may or may not happen by the time I’m on the operating table but it’s going to be okay.
I had stage 1 back in October 2024 and made sure to prepare every conceivable detail months in advance. This time around, I’m not able to have that same approach, I just don’t have it in me. This moment is turning into a powerful lesson on perfectionism, control, and fear. Part of me believes that if I do the highest possible degree of planning, that will be a guarantee for control (aka “safety”). It’s extremely human to feel this way. It’s also an impossible ask.
I’ve been chipping away at the long road to bottom surgery since 2019 and I’ve still got two more stages after this one. It doesn’t always take that long for everyone but my process has been a slow one. If I knew what this would entail ahead of time, in minute detail, I never would’ve started. The sheer google doc density would have shut down the entire dream. Not knowing the extent of this whole project was a key part of starting it and continuing it, even against some truly insane and terrifying challenges / threats to trans survival and healthcare.
The lesson in sobriety of one day at a time is some seriously powerful magic. It’s tedious, it’s slow, it’s a bummer sometimes, it’s a massive relief other times, and it’s been my key to process of allowance and having faith. I recognize I have no certainty no matter how much I try to control things around me. Oftentimes, that control impulse triggers a domino effect of anxiety, pushing the sensation of safety further out of reach.
Safety can be a feeling, an idea, an intention, a wish, a location, and a fantasy. I feel emotionally safe when I put my trust in those who are trustworthy and that trust generates love and deeper connection. I feel safe when I have a manageable number of details in front of me at once and I’m able to properly attend to them because I’m not overwhelmed. I feel safe when I ask for help and my vulnerability is met with compassion. I feel safe when I honor my internal boundaries around what I will take on right now and what I will put down and handle later.
My “for later” list is quite long at the moment but it’s a helpful tool for when I have too much going on. Right now I’m establishing a promise to myself that as much as possible, I will lean into the slow process of healing my body, loving myself through recovery, and accepting the help of my beloveds.
That is plenty to do all at once. My creative projects will be here simmering, as always, when I return. Nothing is lost in the decision to allow a pause. I learn by going where I have to go and trusting myself to honor the limits of exactly where I am today, one day at a time 🌞💗